There are a lot of ways to look at
an only child. I knew that since a child, fulfilling my family's aspirations
was a way of being the only best and brightest, a way to carry my father's
footsteps. But things changed when my father passed away. Even though I found
myself only to left with emptiness and distraught, I have also realized the
importance of the legacy he had left me.
There have been challenges for my
mother of course, from downsizing the family to working three different jobs
and raising me single handedly; my mother was putting one foot in front of the
other with strength and courage. She always thought of me as an intelligent and
caring child. I would say that these characteristics were once reflected in the
grades and comments left by my primary school teachers. But as I gradually
emerge into secondary school, I realized it was more of a struggle to come to
terms with life and live amidst unspeakable terrors for fear that my life
without a dad would dictate my inability to excel in school. Due to these
circumstances, I began to lose interest and momentum in studying at grade 9,
and eventually quit school.
It was because that I made bad company, took up smoking and was under the influence of drugs; and because I was not returning home under the age of sixteen at that time, my mother got a juvenile court to file me for beyond parental control. I was later sent into a girls'
hostel. Since I was on financial aid, I decided to
make use of a private school system that was provided in the hostel and
prepared myself for the Cambridge O levels in hope that I could continue the
path where I left off. However, I did not have the guts to keep going, and was
afraid to risk letting not just my mother down but my dad's side of the family
down too. The dilemma led to a decision to forgo this opportunity. My dad's
side of the family on the other hand, consists of well-educated people whom
they had achieved academic and career successes. Hence, it became a torment, as
each step towards striving for an education was a feeling of intimidation and
inferiority towards my cousins whom I'd always envied them for having the
support coming from a perfect family.
The fear that has struck with me
through the years caused me to leave the hostel, with an unfinished education,
venturing on my own. I decided to begin my college career working as a sales
representative and an administrator. Even though I had attained almost two
years of experience in the working society, there is something innate that
yearns to see the bigger potential in me. While I even tried to attain a
private diploma only to give up in between, the consistency in failing then
convinced me not to study for the time being until I was working well
enough to support an education that I was mentally ready for.
I continued working, served as a
youth volunteer, and even applied as a volunteer performer at Singapore's
National Day Parade in 2014. I soon found joy and contentment in active
volunteering and began more involved in the community. Gradually, my search for joy changed to a
longing for hope. I comforted myself with the only thing that still connected
with me to my family: love. After long periods of separation with my family,
covering up my fear, I got in touch with my dad's side of the family again. As
I embraced the warmth and restoration of a family that I have long-neglected, I
finally took the last straw of taking the Cambridge O levels as a private
candidate. Even though I may have not done so well, I was fortunate that my
uncle and aunt later offered me an opportunity to study in the states.
Today, I
realized that given another chance, I could correct my mistakes and open myself
to doors of greater opportunities.
As I learn how to throw overboard
all excess baggage and keep only what is essential, I realized what's essential
now is to succeed with great extent, to continue to guide and encourage my
cousins and other people whom they are not as fortunate to turn their
lives like how I did into an opportunity of growth. In the near future, I hope to connect with the global world while pursuing a major in
entrepreneurship and to attain a certificate in International Business, hopefully in the University of Washington.
